HOUSE HUNTING OR WITCH CRAFT?

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Everyone knows house hunting in Lagos is not for the faint of heart. It’s literally an extreme sport! Nothing annoys me more than the other fees they expect us to pay, apart from the rent, like the Agency fee, caution fee and even a legal fee. Plus, these landlords with their one too many rules.

If it’s not a landlord who doesn’t want a woman, that’s unmarried because all the single female tenants he had over the years always brought in men in different shapes and sizes; it’s a landlord who doesn’t want a tenant who is not Yoruba because Igbo people have too much wahala.

“I’m sorry Sister, it’s not that I hate Igbo people o. After all, we are one Nigeria. But the last tenant that lived here was an Igbo man, and he showed me pepper. I had to use the police to forcefully get him out after he threatened to beat me and my family.”

“Ahn ahn… Oga! But Yorubas and Igbos are not the only tribe in Nigeria now. I am not even Igbo. Besides, one bad apple doesn’t make all apples bad.”

“I’m sorry o sister, I don’t even eat apples. You can check other vacant houses around. I’m sure you will find the one that you like.”

That was how he locked us out. Another day wasted! I hate to say it but, some of these listing agents can never make it to heaven. It’s like they work hand in hand with the devil to frustrate you and milk you dry. You describe what you want and then they give you a direct opposite of what you tell them.

Just the other day, Mr Audu, my second agent, called to tell me he had found the perfect apartment for me; that I would love every bit of the house; that it had 24hrs electricity supply, full security and water supply.

Excitedly, I excused myself from work, only to see a refuse dump of a house. It wasn’t gated; the rooms looked like cubicles, like the ones I used to draw as a kid; worse still, they weren’t even tiled.

I mean, what does it take to find a decent apartment in Lagos?

I might choose violence… eventuaryyy 😂

Cheers 🥂